for Angelita Biscotti
Melbourne is so strange//signifies anxiety and hot sex. The coloniser’s Love bends in two. Two is a search engine implying collusion. I search What does NSA mean? NSA means… I shouldn’t have opened
Grindr. I am respectful = I am such a loser. Although if I wanted, tonight I could totally have sex with a tall slim handsome POC queer at my short-stay rental, or a faceless man who self identifies as “a handsome white guy” in a public toilet. I want to eat Thai street food. Instead, I eat Chinese hotpot in another setting
where aunty & uncle are in the kitchen and my heart actually twists and sort of hurts. My hands are held safe by a friend who I’ve just met. Two marbles colliding—
that’s the sound of willie wagtails. Distance is not a name that combines us. Two is. I collude. And if
I could shut down and not feel anything, I could survive the upcoming four months. And yet on the first day of my four-month plan, I collude and participate in the removal of children. Illegitimate tears that are held back, Lover who makes laws makes
rules.
NSA means No Strings Attached.
I am a Lover who collude with anxiety and hot sex. And yet I broke the rules.
I stop my morning walk to take a picture of the dead pigeon on the pavement: stiff, unconcerned. After all these years I still look like an international student. In this country
neither of us have a home and so we make love in your ute with a huge dark grey blanket covering the windows at the backseats for privacy. Sex is blunt; there’s nothing private about sex. Love is private. We open up to dawn. In our most intimate hours, a question is asked: Why do you Love?
I Love—
under the blue sun, three male orcas swim towards me… in dream… i freeze… in murky river… the orca’s fin a quiff… then more orcas… more quiffs… later in my waking hours… i learned that orcas do not swim up rivers…
What I need instead is a full stop. Or can I imagine something other than Love?